Yesterday the focus was on We are worthy and how self-worth can be a huge struggle when infertility and being childless not by choice has destroyed our confidence. Today it’s the time for some proactive healing as we move forward and a reminder to be kind to yourself.
Hindsight MUST be banned
I really HATE the platitude “with the benefit of hindsight” because hindsight is more of a curse than a benefit. We look back over the past and with hindsight we pick over our decisions and realised that they were the wrong ones.
I should have …
stayed with my first husband
had my eggs frozen when I was younger.
I should have …. I should have …. I should have.
Well news flash …. I DIDN’T
And I didn’t for very good reasons.
My first husband was a control freak and subjected me to emotional abuse that may have eventually turned into physical abused. I left him for the sake of my mental health and, potentially, my bodily health. Imagine if we had children: what sort of life would they have had?
My eggs were not frozen because, back in my late 20s/early 30s I had NO IDEA that it was necessary. I had NO symptoms of the very aggressive endometriosis that would eventually steal my fertility. And I do me NO symptoms. Zilch. Rien. De nada!
It is important to realise this because when we make decisions they are neither good nor bad. Only time will tell. There are very, VERY few people who will go out of their way to make a decision that they KNOW at the time is the wrong one. We make the decision that we think is right based on all the information that we have at the time.
So please, be kind to yourself, and DITCH HINDSIGHT!
The one and only YOU
We often start to doubt our self-worth when we compare ourselves with other people. Did I do enough? Did I do everything in my power to have a baby? Was there anything more that I could have done? The answer will be “yes” because you made the decisions that were right for you at the time.
Yep … the curse of hindsight is creeping in here too.
However, this time the curse is supercharged as we compare what we did, what we went through, with other people’s CNBC journeys. I only had one cycle of IVF where other people had two, three, five, nine… I obviously didn’t want children as much as they did!
Wrong. In both cases decisions were made for the right reasons at the time.
Focusing on YOU and YOUR story is not only important when considering the past. It is also vital when you consider the here and now.
“It’s been ten years since we stopped trying to conceive and I am still feeling overwhelmed by my grief, yet the other person only stopped six months ago and have completely accepted their situation. What am I doing wrong? Don’t I deserve to find peace in my life?”
Please, be kind to yourself and not compare yourself with anyone else.
Ditch the frenemies
There are some people in life who seem to thrive when other people are struggling. You know the type. They put you down. They pull you down. They are not supportive of changes that you make designed to help you heal. They are unhappy that you are healing. They are jealous of you. They criticise you. They disenfranchise your grief. They are aggressive. They don’t respect your opinions. They don’t respect your decisions. They DON’T RESPECT YOU. Unfortunately, this can be true of people within the CNBC community as well as in the wider world.
Please, be kind to yourself and DITCH THEM!
And …
If they are people who are also CNBC this behaviour can be especially hurtful. However, if you can dig deep and send them healing positive as this will help you and them. Remember that this is about them and NOT about you. They are hurting, and people behave strangely, and badly, when they are hurting. If you decide to respond, and the decision is completely up to you, thinking about them with compassion will help you choose a response that doses’t cause more harm than good. In fact, if you delay replying for a little while, and remind yourself that they are hurting, you may decide that you don’t need to respond at all.
I speak from personal experience here and, although it can be SO difficult at times, I send healing towards my CNBC frenemies in the hope that it might ease their pain.
A different perspective
Being CNBC means that something that we long for is completely outside our control: let’s face it that’s what the “NOT BY CHOICE” part really means. Even those of us who aren’t control freaks do like to feel that we have some control over aspects of our lives, especially when it is something so fundamental to our happiness. The longer the lack of control continues the more we doubt our ability to control anything in our lives. Cue a huge does of self-doubt which spirals into a massive dent in our sense of self-worth.
What can you do about this? You are too close to the situation and can’t assess if honestly. You need to gain the perspective of people that you know, like and trust. So, don’t ask you frenemie!
However, people struggle with praise. They feel uncomfortable asking for it in case you are perceived to be fishing for complements. Receiving unexpected praise is equally difficult and we squirm with embarrassment, especially if you are riddled with self-doubt.
I wrote a whole blog “Self-Worth and the power of praise” which looks at how to obtain other people’s perspectives on you as a person in a way that makes it easier for both parties.
Please, be kind to yourself and learn how to accept praise from other people.
Living in the now
This last one really builds on the common theme running through these ideas ….
When you’re sense of self-worth has been severely damaged you, and it, need some TLC. During the “We Are Worthy Summit” in April 2017 Russell Treasure delivered a wonderful mindfulness mediation session. Russell has kindly given me permission to share the recording here. It is a wonderful “spa treatment” for your mind, body and spirit. I really do recommend watching to it. You, your body, your mind and your spirit will thank you for it.
If you want to find out more about Russell Treasure please visit his website.
We Are Worthy Summit
If you haven’t taken a look at the “We Are Worthy Summit” website, why don’t you visit it now? It contains the recordings of over 30 webinars delivered during the summit and there is bound to be something there to help you heal.
Here is an article that you might find useful too …. How to build self-worth and start believing yourself again
And coming up on tomorrow I will be talking about “Creating a new beautiful world” plus making a couple of a special announcement. There will also be a video about “It’s OK to wobble even through WCW”.
This is very important because quite a few people have reached out to me over the last couple of days saying that they have had a wobble and are feeling confused by this. Wobbles, even during WCW, are understandable. I did a couple of short FB Lives yesterday about this. Unfortunately my Internet was so unstable the image is distorted and I got “chucked off”. You can hear the audio though.
I do understand because I had a wobble too.
It started on Friday late evening and lasted until yesterday lunchtime.
I am now much clearer about why this happened and want to share my insights with you in an easier to watch format. So I am going to recorded a video this afternoon which will be embedded in my blog tomorrow. It may not be there when tomorrow’s blog is published at 6am BST. It takes time to plan, record, edit, process and upload and I only realised that I needed to do this at about 10pm last night. However, it will be in the blog by the end of the day tomorrow.
Your have been heard. I understand your confusion. It IS OK to wobble EVEN during WCW. You can watch my video here.
I hope to see you here …
All that remains for me to say is
Be kind to yourself …
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know. I will keep your words private.
Click on the image below to read Brandi Lytle’s blog “Moving Forward: A New Word, A New Ribbon, A New Day …”
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