A short while ago one of the members of the Facebook Support Group that I help to admin shared a piece of writing about “Being Brave” that she had published on her Instagram Account. Several other members said that it was a shame that the Private Settings of the support group meant that they couldn’t share the piece. I offered to publish the piece here, to make sharing easier. Thank you Anya for trusting me with your writing!
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I posted this on my infertility Instagram page, and wanted to share this with you. I am not sharing this for pity or any personal gain, I want you to know “YOU ARE BRAVE”
No one told me that an infertility journey could and would end without a baby. I was certain we’d end up with a baby. I’d be pregnant and after all the losses I wouldn’t lose at least one pregnancy. I was sure we would welcome a baby who’d have my husbands unruly curls, his gorgeously deep blue eyes, his musical talents and intellect, his calmness and patience. And our baby would have my assertiveness, tenacity, a memory that can recall the tiniest details from decades ago. We would teach our baby Russian, English, and try our best with Italian. From an early age we’d work to instill values of respect and acceptance of self and others. Life had other plans our journey ended without a baby, and now it’s just two of us.
Compacted Grief
There are days we are okay.
There are days that swallow me whole.
It’s a struggle beliving that this is our reality. I experience 4 of 5 stages of grieve in what seems like one minute. In an instant I go from denial to anger to bargaining to feeling depressed.
The fifth stage is acceptance.
I have yet to feel that.
So I know I may seem okay with our decision. But, TRUST ME, it’s a facade.
I try to pretend all is great, mostly to fake myself into believing so.
Social Conditioning
But childlessness is a tricky thing. We’ve been conditioned to believe that every woman will become a mother. If she didn’t, she either didn’t want it bad enough or that’s God’s plan.
Neither of those are true.
The craziest thing — I wanted motherhood so bad, from young age. Ever since I can remember I always wanted to be a mom. No I didn’t want to be a wife. I wanted to be a single mom, and I became neither of those.
Now I am a childless wife.
The irony…
I represent a small percentage of those women who faced infertility and were left without child. It’s not a death sentence, although at times it feels like it. I’ve never been so defeated.
Childlessness is being brave
Becoming childless is brave. I don’t want to offend the women with children, however, becoming a mother is expected. Many want to be a mom, moms are praised and society thinks a woman without children is either worthless or flawed.
How can you not have or want children? Hence why so many always say, but you can always adopt.
The bravery in childlessness isn’t something I think of when I grieve.
I never think of it.
Instead I think of failure and my lack of worth. But the more I face my reality, I realize that it is one of the bravest things I’ve done. I chose myself, my husband, our marriage, our ups and downs to be faced alone… without child’s laughter and innocent distractions. I’ll never live out vicariously through my child’s talents, interests and gifts. I won’t be able to fill my heart with unconditional love for our baby, but I will have to continuously choose myself and Matthew.
Being childless is NOT selfish
Becoming childless is far from selfish.
It’s like stepping off a cliff into the unknown.
That’s the territory that is slowly being paved for us by others who are childless by circumstances, and I am willing to offer a hand and fill any gaps where necessary.
Childlessness is brave because I have to reevaluate my circle. I am no longer relatable to women with children.
What can I possibly bring to the table?
Sorrow, grief, negative emotions?
Would they be able to boast and complain about their kids?
They all know women who had children after infertility, and think
“Why can’t she … ?”
“Something must be wrong with her.”
“Is she is a quitter?”
“She isn’t compassionate.”
“Is she heartless?”
“She must hate children.”
Because what kind of woman doesn’t want kids?
A selfish or a faulty one.
Unfathomable grief alone
Childlessness is brave because there is 100% chance of you or your spouse outliving one another, and facing the grief alone is unfathomable.
Yet childlessness is bravery, especially for a woman. Anywhere we go and anyone we meet, in a personal or business setting, one of the first questions we are asked is “do you have children?”
And when the answer is “NO”,
Then comes that look, of either pity or the wondering what is wrong with her.
A woman can be anything and everything she desires, without being a mother, yet society makes us feel inadequate.
Childless by circumstance is a tough pill to swallow…
We have to rewrite the narrative we have envisioned, but also change the way others view us.
Many would blame us for waiting too long to start a family or prioritizing our career over family.
But reality is …
I didn’t wait too long or prioritized my career.,
Those were the lies I was hiding behind so I wouldn’t have to admit I was infertile and inferior to those who are mothers.
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You can follow Anya on Instagram at I_m_calm_just_infertile
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