Virtual hugs have been a part of on-line support groups since the day I joined my first group. People would share how vulnerable they were feeling and words of support, encouragement, and <<<HUGS>>> would be winging their way across the internet.
I’ve given my fair share of hugs and been the grateful recipient of hugs from others. Obviously virtual hugs are not as good as the real thing: However, in the absence of the “real thing” they come a close second.
The benefits of “real” hugs
Whether a quick squeeze or a huge bear hug they are a great source of reassurance. They convey so much more than words could express. Words of love, of acceptance, of comfort, of joy, of forgiveness. All in a matter of moments. If a picture paints a thousand words, hugs express them too.
Unfortunately, in these days of social distancing and self-isolation real hugs are becoming a very rare commodity. At a time when we could all probably do with an extra hug, we go without because of the risks they pose.
The absence of REAL hugs
Don’t get me wrong, I still get hugs from Andrew. Much appreciated and always reciprocated.
As for the dogs. Yes, they are still being generous in their affection. In fact, Bailey and Duval would like to give me hugs ALL day. Yet that’s not possible due to dog hair and paint not mixing.
Unfortunately, there are no more of Moet’s special variety of hugs. She went over the Rainbow Bridge on 12th March. Our other cat, Little Black Cat, doesn’t really DO hugs.
So, hugs within the Fletcher household are still flowing freely.
It’s the other ones that have dried up.
On the very rare occasion when we venture outside, life in rural France has changed drastically. Friends greet each other with a “waggle” of the elbow. No more confusion as to the number of check kisses. When we are on the other side of this disaster will we remember whether it was one, two, three or four kisses!
If I am feeling like this, I imagine that other people are feeling the same. As humans we are social creatures. We like spending time with other people. Connecting with other people is important, and in many cultures that connection requires physical contact be it in the form of a handshake, pat on the back or a hug.
Before I talk more about virtual hugs, I want to share with you some information about why hugs are so important.
Hugs convey more than words
I’ve already mentioned this above. Yet why is this true? Why can we understand so much from a simple hug when we misunderstand so much of the spoken or written word?
Perhaps it’s to do with the fact that touch is the first of our senses to develop. It begins to develop far earlier than sight, hearing, taste and smell. As such it reaches a higher level of development earlier than our other senses. Because of this touch, and by extension, hugging, play a very important role in our sense of well-being.
Hugs keep the doctor away
Research published by Carnegie Mellon discovered that there is a link between receiving hugs and the effectiveness of your immune system. Researchers found there was a correlation between the number of hugs people experienced, the frequency and types of illnesses they experienced, and the intensity of their symptoms. The more hugs the less frequently people became ill and the less intense their symptoms. It is believed that this is due to reduced stress and levels of cortisol, the hormone that is released during time of stress.
Hugs lower the heart rate
The stress produced while contemplating a task that you are reluctant to perform can be reduced by a hug or three. In a study published in “Behavioural Medicine” discovered that receiving a 20 second hug prior to performing a stressful activity, such as public speaking, significantly lowered heart rates.
Hugs increases the “cuddle” hormone
Human beings are wonderful. To balance out the effects of cortisol (the stress hormone) we’ve been blessed with Oxytocin. This is often called the “cuddle hormone”. Oxytocin plays a huge role in social bonding and the development of certain aspects of relationships such as trust and devotion. Hugging releases oxytocin which helps to strengthen the bonds of friendship. An additional benefit to having increased levels of oxytocin is that it also associated with better heart health. So, hugging makes a healthier heart.
Hugs reduces fear and anxiety
The Association of Psychological Science conducted a series of studies focusing on the feelings of existential dread and fearing mortality. It was discovered that hugging gave people a greater sense of security. They received comfort from the touch. A hug made them feel safer.
Hugs reduce isolation
Remember our good friend Oxytocin? The cuddle hormone not only helps with building relationships it helps to combat the feelings of depression often associated with feeling isolated. The hug releases the oxytocin and that oxytocin makes us feel more connected with the other person.
Hugging during social distancing
As you can see there are many reasons why hugs are so important. They help us feel more connected with each other, they reduce stress, depression and isolation. They increase feelings of security and belonging.
Which is all great when we are allowed to hug each other.
What about now, when we have to maintain a safe distance away from other. Personal space has never been so important.
We live in a very different world than we did a few weeks ago. There is a huge amount of uncertainty about how this is going to progress. Our plans for Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence may have been put on hold. Our priority now is to stay safe and healthy. We need to protect ourselves and protect our loved ones.
Which means we have to keep our distance so …..
NO MORE HUGGING
Which is why virtual hugs have become far more important. They may not have all the additional health benefits of a real hug, yet they don’t have the same risk factors either.
I know it’s not the same: however, surely a virtual hug is better than no hug at all.
Not all virtual hugs are the same
As virtual hugs are NOT as beneficial as real hugs, I think it’s important to focus on the quality of the hugs that we give and receive. In my opinion not all virtual hugs are made equal. For example, my Facebook Inbox has been gradually filling up with images of virtual hugs that make it into a competition. (See the image for an example)
I don’t engage with these. We shouldn’t be giving hugs in the hope of getting one back in return. I don’t reply to these images and I don’t forward them on to other people. Something that says “You are a special person if you get back at least 5” is not something that I want to be involved with.
What if the person I share this with is really struggling with their mental health that day? They do as they were requested and send it to all their loved ones and dearest friends. After waiting for days, they only receive 4 back. In their already fragile state of mind it makes them realise that they are not special. Special people get 5 in return and they didn’t make the grade. There is something wrong with them. People they thought of as friends don’t value them as much as they had hoped. Their mental health challenges spiral downwards and who know what the outcome will be.
No, I will not be part of that.
Instead I will focus on virtual hugs that don’t come with guilt or strings attached. Virtual hugs that help build new friendship and strengthen existing ones.
The Flamingo Café offers virtual hugs
In an effort to share more virtual hugs, Andrew and I have restarted our regular Zoom meet ups in The Flamingo Café. We hope that these regular meet ups will provide a trigger-free place where fellow Canbacers and CNBC people can connect with other people who “get it.”
People in our communities will share many fears in common with people who have had children. However, we also have fears and responses that people with children struggle to understand. We see evidence of this during the school holidays with parents saying “My kids are driving me crazy and I can’t wait until the blighters go back to school” whilst we’re thinking “I’d sell my soul to the devil for one day of being driven crazy by my child.”
These different responses mean that we often feel that we can’t, or shouldn’t, express our true feelings for fear of offending others. This reticence increases dramatically at times of great uncertainty. We’re all on edge and the most harmless of words can be misinterpreted and cause huge arguments.
The solution?
Have a save space where you can share your concerns, or vent if necessary, with a group of people who won’t judge you.
Hence the restarting of The Flamingo Café as …
The Thursday Hug Club
We’re going to host two “Hug Clubs” every Thursday to make it easier for people in different time zones to join in.
The early morning (for us) Hug Club will be at 8am BST (UK) which hopefully makes it a time that people living in New Zealand and Australia will find convenient if they are staying at home. Click on the relevant image below to register.
The second Hug Club is at 7pm BST (UK) which is more convenient for people based in Europe and the USA.
Within reason we’ll keep on chatting for as long as people want. The call we had on the 26th lasted over 90 mins. However, you don’t have to stay for the whole time. You can arrive and leave when you want to.
As the Hug Clubs have been set as a reoccurring event you only have to register once. You can then attend as many calls as you want.
Being CNBC can be so isolating. It can feel as though the rest of world doesn’t understand. We live in very uncertain times which means that isolation could grow. However, you are not alone. There are people around the world who “get it”. Connect with some of them during one of The Flamingo Café Thursday Hug Clubs.
Virtual hugs are guaranteed!
Until next time remember:
You are strong.
You are deserving.
Be kind to yourself today, tomorrow and all the tomorrows to come.
In Canbace friendship
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, please let me know. Mention that your comment is NOT for publication and I will keep your words private.
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