Today is Men Matter Too day in WCW. So why do we matter?
Men are sometimes perceived as the second class citizens of the childless not by choice community. We are not vocal, and do not express our feelings as freely as our female counterparts. This makes it appear that we are not as deeply affected by infertility. After all we cannot become pregnant (we won’t go into a transgender discussion) and we do not suffer (unless infertile/not firing a full load) from the effects of fertility treatments. We are expected to be stoical.
The focus tends to be on women because they are the one who get pregnant or are not getting pregnant. It is the women who are affected by the pressure of the biological clock’s tick getting ever louder. However, the age of the man also comes into the equation as male fertility is affected by age too. People often site Charlie Chaplin as an example that men can become fathers at any age (he had his last when he was aged 72 which is pretty impressive by any standard). Yet fatherhood at this age is quite rare. There needs to be more education of the fact that, as with women, your chances of rearing offspring decreases over time and reasonably dramatically too. So yes men matter too, especially where education and dispelling myths is concerned.
Being a man, we also often put the wishes of our partners before our own (don’t give me a hard time about that being an over generalisation). I have, in respect of having children, only put my wishes first when my second wife Paula wanted to have children. I said that I didn’t want her to get pregnant, due to the advice given to us by her Brain Surgeon. Getting pregnant would involve coming off the medication design to slow the growth of her tumour and would probably lead to her death before the end of pregnancy.
Was I selfish in wanting to have as much time with Paula than with a child that probably wouldn’t have been born? My decision and I live with it. Men matter too when it comes to making decisions. This doesn’t mean that we should revert back to misogynistic principles when women’s ability to think for themselves or have a say in what happens in there lives was not theirs. Thankfully in many parts of the world this archaic belief has been debunked. What I am talking about is balance. A little bit of give and take. Sensible discussions leading to a decision that it acceptable to both people. Putting the “health” of the relationship first.
The hormonal changes bought about by infertility/fertility treatments can be quite stressful on a relationship. (I do like a bit of understatement). When we were TTC Nicci was initially prescribed Clomid to stimulate ovulation before very aggressive Stage 4 Endometriosis was diagnosed and we had a cycle 
of IVF. During all the discussions about these two treatments nothing was mentioned about how the hormones would affect Nicci. Clomid caused Nicci’s FSH levels to jump from an average of 1.5 to over 30 within 27 days. Her body and emotions were in melt-down. This was like someone used to drinking between 1 and 2 cups of “full fat” coffee a day suddenly drinking 30 cups a day. These are known and expected side-effects yet nothing was mentioned about the strain this could put on our relationship.
It was all about how to do the injections etc. Nicci would have benefited from this type of explanation (rather than a list of blandly, yet often terrifying, side effects written in the “small print”). An explanation that actually made it easy for her to understand what her body was going to be put through. I would certainly have benefited from knowing that my very calm, balance and understanding wife was going to become Fluffy on steroids! (For anyone visiting from another planet Fluffy is the three-headed dog that guards the Philospher’s Stone in the first Harry Potter). Of course, it was right that Nicci should have been the priority. Afterall the changes were happening to her body: however, it would have been lovely to feel that the medical profession considered my role to be more than “performing” into a cup! Yes, men matter too.
Then there is the pressure of sex on demand to achieve a BHAG (Big Hariy Audacious Goal) rather than being spontaneous and for pleasure. We must have sex NOW because all the signs (temp, egg whites etc… is it scary that a man can know so much about this!) say we are more likely to get pregnant THIS INSTANT rather than in 30 minutes. It somewhat takes the passion out of it. I know you may think that all we want is sex but (unfortunately) we are not all porn stars who can perform on demand. (maybe in our teens and twenties but not as much later on unless we are having a mid-life crisis). When it comes to making sure that we perform “on demand” , we do need a little intimacy and passion too. In the bedroom men matter too.
So now you know some of my perspective about what men put up with quietly in the background. For the sake of giving you some other perspectives, and because this deserves more visibility, I’m sharing the original Man-ority Report that was recorded during the We Are Worthy Summit in April 2018. We would like to thank both Dr. Robin Handley (one of the World Childless Week champions) and Jonny Baker for giving their permission to include this recording in this blog
The Man-ority Report from the We Are Worthy Summit:
If you would like to watch recordings of any of the other webinars delivered during the We Are Worthy Summit please visit the website
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know. I will keep your words private.
Please click on the image below to Brandi Lytle’s “Perspective: The Male Side of the Childless Story …”
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