Every Friday in “Canbace Diaries” I will be sharing the experience of another Courageous Canbacer. They will explain the shifts in their perspective as they embrace their new CANBACE life. Let’s celebrate our successes and share our stories. They may inspire and give hope to other people who are still be struggling.
Introducing Courageous Canbacer – Andrew Fletcher
The Courageous Canbacer Process
What are your views on the childLESS/childFREE dilemma?
I am both childless and childfree neither of which I like particularly. Let me explain as briefly as possible. I am childless because I do not have any living children even though I would like to.
I am childfree because my son died 22 years by suffocation, because of a virus that caused his lower trachea/upper lungs to swell; not pleasant. The autopsy found that he had visible sclerosis of the liver. This means he would have died within a year; very unpleasant. I am childless because I did not want him to die. Yet I am childfree because I am happier, in hindsight, that he died when/how he did rather how he would have if he had survived the virus.
However, my situation is more complicated than a brief stressful period of parenting followed by the grief of my son dying. I am childless because I couldn’t have children with my second wife: a pregnancy would probably have killed her and the baby.
Now I am childless again. The diagnosis of Nicci’s Stage 4 endometriosis was so late that that she had been rendered infertile. So, whichever way I look at it neither childless or childfree really fits my situation. Neither of them have any real tangible positive connotations for me.
What were your thoughts when you first heard the word “Canbace”?
As Nicci’s husband I was there for the inserting of vowels into CNBC to create some totally spurious words. I was also there for all the iterations between that point until the creation of CANBACE. Like most things CANBACE developed from the inspiration of others. There was a starting point from which to move forward. A flash of inspiration. The creation of the final “product”. As a word CANBACE encompasses the CNBC ethos. However, CANBACE is not a label. It is a positive affirmation. The change in mindset is very powerful as people start to embrace a new way of thinking, or living. CANBACE can be used as a verb or noun in sentences thus making it easier to use in written or spoken form. (look I’m a bloke and the practical bits make more sense than the touchy-feely bits)
What is the biggest sign that you are Canbacing?
At this stage I don’t think there is one BIG sign that I am Canbacing. It’s more of lots of little, yet important, signs. I am starting to smile more and put forward ideas to help the community. There are other little signs too like taking an interest in being more adventurous in cooking; for instance, this weekend we are going Caribbean. I bought a “Taste of the Caribbean” cookbook quite a few years ago when we thought our move to The Bahamas was imminent. We needed to have some time to perfect our “Peas and Rice” – we’re moving to the eastern edge of the Caribbean so it’s not “Rice and Peas”!
However, the years of infertility, and putting our new life in paradise on hold, had an impact and dampened our excitement. Thinking too much about The Bahamas, when knowing it wasn’t going to happen any time soon, was simply too depressing. However, my new mindset means this is something that I can be actively excited about again and this has inspired my taste buds to think of spicy food and palm fringed beaches again.
What future changes do you hope to see/experience in your life as you fully embrace your Canbace status?
I hope to see us in the Bahamas before too long. We are now, again, making positive steps to achieve this end state whereas we were muddling along for a few years. I am going to use the qualifications I have in renewable energy to help, not only us but others, to get to be as self sufficient as possible (very important in the Bahamas). I suppose one way of keeping fit would be a exercise bike generating electricity for the air-con.
Now that you are a Courageous Canbacer ….
What three negatives words associated with your childless life are you looking forward to ditching, and why is it important to leave these behind?
Anger, conflict and hopelessness. These make life very negative and unhappy and being happier (than I am at the moment) is always good. Also, being happier will hopefully mean that I’m healthier as well. Win- Win.
What three positive words do you want to associate your CANBACE life with and why are these important to you?
Hope, dreams and excitement. I don’t get excited about things (ask my wife) but I am now. New hopes and dreams that can be realised without having to contend with the negativity associated with the CNBC condition. Well that’s enough to make even me excited!
What words of hope and encouragement would you give to people who are still feeling so hurt by their experience that they aren’t quite ready to Canbace?
It will get better, grief does abate over time and the quicker you can change your mindset from being a victim the quicker it will happen. Easy to say, not so easy to do, however, hopefully Canbace will help with the process even if you are just starting out and have only reached the “Ca” bit of Canbace.
Want to share your Courageous Canbacer thoughts?
If you would like to be featured in the “courageous canbacer” blog please email me: canbacing [at] canbace [dot] com
In CANBACE friendship
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know. I will keep your words private.
Leave a Reply