A shared vision that survives change

A vision is important when we are making big changes in our lives. However, that vision should not be ours alone. If we have a significant other, we need to share our vision when them. After all the changes that we make in our lives is going to have an impact on them.

In a previous blog I wrote about the unfortunate fact that the more you change the more resistance you will experience. You can read that blog here.

One way to protect your most important relationship(s) is to have a shared vision for the future. Relationships where there is no shared vision feel the strain. Both parties may be pulling away from each other rather than working together

Life before our shared vision

When Andrew and I first met we both lived and worked in the UK. Andrew was happy in the army and I was growing my business as a Freelance Business Analysis Trainer. Everything was going smoothly with our blossoming romance.

Then Andrew made a trip to Kuwait. The trip had been on the cards since the November 2002. However, delay after deal meant Andrew didn’t fly out until March 2003. It all happened rather quickly. We both got up one morning and drove to work. When I arrived at my client’s office, I checked my voicemail before switching off my phone until lunchtime. Andrew had left a message explaining he was on his way to the airfield and he didn’t know when he would be back.

Later that evening Andrew phoned to say he’d arrived safely, and he would call me whenever he could.

I went to bed happy that he was safe.

Unchartered territory

However, I was wondering how I would cope. I am not an army brat and had never experienced someone going “on tour”. Whilst this was a quick “in and out” assignment the implications were the same.

Not only was this new territory for me, we’d only been seeing each other for 12 months. Whilst I had met some of the other Army WAGS I couldn’t say that I KNEW them. I had also met Andrew’s parents a couple of time yet again I didn’t really KNOW them.

So I went to bed with mixed emotions about what the future held.

I think I probably had a premonition that my world would be turned on its head.

The next morning, I woke up and turned on the news.

BIG MISTAKE

The much publicised “Shock and Awe” bombing raids announcing the start of the second Gulf War had started.

Andrew was now on the edge of a war zone.

My girlfriends did a great job in calming me down:

“He’s far enough away from the fighting so he’ll be fine.”

“Once he’s finished doing this computer “stuff” he’ll be back.”

“You have nothing to worry about!”

By the time of Andrew’s next call, I was feeling OK.

“I could DO this.”

He did his best to reassure me …

“If anything happens, I’ll simply grab a gun!”

Thank hun!

I then got a text message that stopped mid-word.

One the news that evening was some footage of a journalist doing a sound-check before going “on air.” A siren sounded, the camera was dropped. People grabbed NBC suits* and then the journalist started her report explaining that there was a Scud Missile attack warning and they’d all had to “suit up”.

* Nuclear, Biological and Chemical warfare protective suits.

Meanwhile I still hadn’t heard from Andrew.

Worried? You bet.

Even though he was miles away tinkering on computers.

Wasn’t he?

Eventually his reassuring text arrived.

It was classic!

“Sorry for the abrupt end to my last message. There was a scud missile attack and I had to grab my NBC suit.”

He wasn’t in Kuwait he insisted. No, he was somewhere in the desert in a place that he still claims is NOT in Iraq!

I didn’t have a complete melt-down. In fact, I remained remarkably calm considering.

However, I did make a decision.

Creating our shared vision

Andrew would be gently life-coached into a different, less Nicci-stressing, lifestyle, upon his return.

This was going to be a huge change for Andrew. He’d always wanted to be in the Army. He enjoyed his work. He’d reached the rank of Major. He wasn’t too sure what else he could do or wanted to do.

Yet he was willing to create a shared vision for our future together.

It was a slow process that happened over the course of the next two years and resulted in:

• Deciding that whilst the “world is our oyster” that the Bahamas is the place we want to call home
• Buying a plot of land on Exuma
• Getting his house in the UK ready to sell
• Him leaving the Army
• Us selling his house in the UK
• Moving to France whilst we renovated the farm house before selling it
• Deciding that the Bahamas may no longer be the right choice for us
• Falling in love with Andalusia and deciding to move there instead
• Realising that the Bahamas WAS the place we wanted to live

All whilst making decisions about my endometriosis, surgery and IVF.

While the above has been a roller coaster it has made us stronger.

The strength in our relationship is because we revisit our vision on a regular basis. We double check that it is what we BOTH still want. If something is no longer quite right, we discuss it and work out what to do for the best.

The priority of “US”

Our relationship is like a third person. There is Andrew and there is me and there is US. The US is in capitals because we put that first.

That US that has the shared vision of our future. It is that shared vision that has helped US through the ups and downs of the last 16 years.

Having a shared vision is helping both as we are Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence. We KNOW 100% for certain that the future we are creating is the future that we both want.

“The first step toward creating an improved future is developing the ability to envision it. 
VISION will ignite the fire of passion that fuels our commitment to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to 
achieve excellence. Only VISION allows us to transform dreams of greatness into the reality of achievement through human action. VISION has no boundaries and knows no limits. Our VISION is what we become in life.”
Tony Dungy

Practice makes perfect

It’s all well and good writing about things in theory: however, we need to start applying what we learn. Today I’d like to you think about the future that you want to have. Do you need to become clearer in your own vision? Have your shared your vision with the people you love the most?

To help you keep track of all your work for the daily activities mentioned, we have created a Monthly Diary for you to record your progress. To download your copy of “My January Canbace Diary” please click here.

Be kind to yourself …

In CANBACE friendship!

 

If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, please let me know. I will keep your words private.