Learning to embrace the resistance you experience from other people can be hard. It is especially hard if you are really excited and motivated by the changes you are making to your life. Unfortunately, you will experience resistance as you start to implement changes in your life. Dealing with this resistance is the first step to becoming an effective change agent. You can read about Becoming a change agent in your life” here.
Embracing that resistance can be hard, if like me, your gut reaction to other people’s negativity is to “push back. However, if we’re going to move forward in terms of healing and acceptance dealing with resistance is something that we’ve going to have to learn to do.
After all is there is one certainty in life, after death and taxes, it’s that EVERYTHING changes.
Resistance can be about them
I first realised this after I divorced by first husband, Ian. However, the lesson started when I first met Ian. One of his closest friends was a perfectly likeable man called Mark. For some reason though, I took an instant dislike to Mark. He rubbed me up the wrong way. There was something about him that “got my goat”. The more Mark did to make friends with me the worse it got.
It wasn’t until after I had married, and divorced, Ian that I realised what the problem was. There was actually nothing wrong with Mark. I was being honest when I wrote about that he was a perfectly likeable man. The problem was with me. Mark held up a mirror to my relationship with Ian. I hadn’t wanted to accept what I saw.
You see Ian was a CONTROL FREAK. I used capitals because he was that controlling. Before we got married, I wanted to shed a few pounds. Swimming is my preferred form of exercise, so I told him I was going to start lane swimming once a week.
Living with a control freak
Ian’s response was to ALLOW me to go swimming only if I went with Diana. I wouldn’t call Diana my closest friend because she was the only girlfriend I was ALLOWED to have.
His reasoning for not ALLOWING me to have any other friends is that they were all unmarried. To him this meant that if I went out with them, we would all get drunk. They would be “on the pull” and men would think I was also looking to hook up. I would end up having a one-night stand.
Back to the swimming. Ian’s reasoning was that if I went swimming every week, same time, same place, I would meet someone and have an affair. I KID YOU NOT! After my divorce I swam three times a week at the same pool for two years. I never met anyone. They were all too interested in swimming!
Ian’s resistance to my desire to change
He resisted the change I wanted to make because he was terrified that I would cheat on him. Not because I gave him cause for concern though. He’d been a bit of a “player” before he met me. As a “player” he knew what men could be like. He didn’t trust them yet couldn’t control them. However, he could control me. His resistance to my change was to control me due to his lack of trust of men, based on his own previous behaviour. Not about me at all.
Back to Mark.
The reason I disliked Mark so much was that he was the only friend that Ian walked all over. He treated Martin and Malc with respect. Not Mark. My dislike for Mark grew as I realised that Ian treated me the same way. Unfortunately, I was young, in love and didn’t recognise this at the time
It was a hard lesson to learn: however, an important one. I know from my reaction to Mark, that people project their own insecurities onto others. I didn’t like Mark because he showed me what was wrong with my relationship with Ian.
These days, whenever I am faced with negativity or resistance to change, I always ask myself if something similar is happening, from the other direction. what is going on in their life to make them behave this way.
People’s insecurities
People often project their own insecurities about how they deal with their own situations, onto problems they have with other people. If someone is accusing, you of being unsupportive or arrogant it could be because they don’t like the unsupportive and arrogant aspects of their nature.
When I’ve met resistance in the past my first response always used to be to push back. If I was convinced that what I was doing was right I would make a conscious effort to do it more and to do it better. When someone was attempting to undermine me, I would pay them back double. Not because I am a vindictive person: because “they started it first.”
The trouble with this approach is that strained relationships get stretched to breaking points. Situations get out of hand. Nothing is resolved. Problems escalate. No one “wins”.
The underlying cause of resistance
Now I look for underlying reasons for the resistance. What is making the other person respond in that way? Do they fear the changes that I am making in my life? Are they insecure about their own situation? Do they lack the support that I have from Andrew? Are they jealous of me? Why aren’t they happy that we are Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence after suffering so much pain?
You need to understand, as much as possible, what makes the other person “tick”.
If you want to change the situation for the better, you need to know what the underlying problem is. Frequently it is not the most obvious thing.
Practice makes perfect
It’s all well and good writing about things in theory: however, we need to start applying what we learn. Today I like you to think back to the last time someone close to you was not supportive of changes you wanted to make in your life. Ask yourself was their resistance due to the changes you wanted to make or something that was going on in their life. Now think about how you responded to their resistance. Would you do anything differently now that you suspect their resistance was more about them than about you?
To help you keep track of all your work for the daily activities mentioned we have created a monthly diary for you to record your progress. To download your copy of “My January Canbace Diary” please click here.
Be kind to yourself …
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, please let me know. I will keep your words private.
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