Only one more day of SAD during the run up to Christmas. I know it might seem strange that I can predict so accurately when my symptoms will stop. However, decades of experiencing this has also ended with the same result. The time between the clocks changing at the end of October and the Winter Solstice is a nightmare. The moment the days start to get longer even by a minute my SAD disappears. If you missed by blog about my SAD you can read it here.
So, I have been quite literary counting the days until the big shift in my spirits.
Unfortunately, all of this doesn’t mean that I suddenly stop being Scrooges niece and embrace Christmas heart and soul. You see Christmas has always been a struggle for me. Not quite for as long as I can remember: however, certainly since I was quite young.
When I was little Christmases were very different depending on what “version” we were celebrating that year.
Christmas Version A
This was Christmas with Mum, Dad and my sister. These were normally quiet affairs with just the four of us. They usually involved one evening of socialising with friends in the village. This might have been in our house, yet more frequently we were the guests. In comparison to many of our friends’ houses our cottage was tiny with a kitchen/dining room and sitting room. Social gatherings Chez Nous were very cramped affairs.
Christmas Version B
This second version was when my two elder half-brothers came to stay. This happened basically every other year. I’m not sure if I liked these Christmases better or not. They were certainly louder! They were more fun because I adored the eldest of my brothers. Unfortunately, they were also more stressful. The younger of the boys hated me and used to pinch me to make me cry whenever he got the opportunity.
Christmas Version C
These were probably my favourite Christmases. This involved getting up at Sparrow’s Fart. Squeezing everything including the dog and the kitchen sink into the car. Driving for about 90 minutes to pick up the boys. Squeezing even more things into the car. Driving for another hour or so. Stopping at Stonehenge for a toilet break. Back into the car for hours and Hours and HOURS more until we finally arrived at my grandparents’ house on the Cornish coast. Christmases there were LOVELY. The house was perched on a cliff top over looking the sea. Dry days were spent walking the dogs on the beach and coming back frozen to the bone. Luckily Grannie knew exactly what would warm us up: crumpets toasted over the open fire and lashing of hot chocolate. If it sounds like something out of a Famous Five story it’s because it was.
Unfortunately, because of the long drive each way and rapidly gowning children squeezing into a car which wasn’t growing too, these Christmas became fewer and fewer.
So why, when I do have such happy memories about some of my childhood Christmases, have they been a struggle for decades?
The Christmas lean years
Well the spirit of Christmas took a huge nose dive in our house soon after I became a teenager. When I was 13 my parents finally separated. I wasn’t particularly traumatised by this. In fact, I’ve always maintained that if they hadn’t separated, I would have left home on my 16th birthday like my sister. Yes, life at home by that stage had become that bad.
A couple of years later my mum’s relationship with an acquaintance had developed into a romance. Mum and my “step-dad”, Ron had bought a house together and we were about to celebrate our first Christmas together. This could have been an exciting new phase to breathe new life into our celebrations.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t to be.
Ron’s late wife had been a Jehovah Witness so didn’t celebrate Christmas. Whilst Ron wasn’t a JW he agreed to bring up their children as JWs. This meant his son, Phillip, had never celebrated Christmas. Whilst we did mark the holidays, they were always a low-key affair because Phil wasn’t really used to them. As year went past the reason our luke-warm Christmases changed. Whilst Phil enjoyed them and would have liked them to be important the “rot” had set in with Mum and Ron.
The founders of SIC and SAC
Initially the shift was almost imperceptible. We still had a tree and decorations. There was turkey with all the trimmings for lunch. Stockings were put out at the bottom of the bed. Carol concerts were attended, drinks parties hosted, festive music was played. The festivities started on the 23rd or 24th depending on what day of the week they fell on. We didn’t usually get back to “normal” until the last of the left-over turkey had been eaten on the 28th.
Slowly though the spirit of Christmas lost some of its shine. Mum and Ron had become the founders of the “Society for Ignoring Christmas”. Eventually SIC became SAC as the desire to ignore Christmas became one to abolish Christmas. When that happened Christmas lasted about 6hrs in our house. That was all the time they could take off their business to deal with the inconvenience of Christmas.
The sad impact of SAC
This has had a lasting effect on me. Years of celebrating (and I use the term loosely) a pared down Christmases means that I feel very uncomfortable about the excesses I experience when spending Christmas with other people. There is too much food, too much alcohol, too much noise, too much money spent on too many gifts that people look at for 30 seconds before ripping the paper off the next present.
BAR HUMBUG!
Yet I hate feeling this way. I WANT to LOVE Christmas. To feel excited about it. Unfortunately, Christmas is at the wrong time of year for me. With only two or three days between the end of my SAD and the start of Christmas there isn’t much time to get into the spirit of things.
However, I do want to change. To that end I’m following the advice I give to coaching clients. “If you always do the same thing you will get the same results. If you want to get different results you need to do something different.”
A different type of Christmas
In an effort to thrive, rather than simply survive, this Christmas we’re making an extra effort to plan/do Christmassy things even though I am not really in the mood yet.
We’re planning to visit the “Village de Noël” that is held in one of our closest towns. It will be fun to wander around the stalls, have a glass or three of “vin chaud” and maybe a crepe or some Churros. If we really want to push the boat out, we’ll schedule our visit late in the afternoon, so we can see some of the Christmas lights. We hardly venture out in the evening at this time of year because everyone hibernates, so this is probably our only chance. We’ve found the cable for the video camera so there will be a festive video to share too.
[Unfortunately, Andrew was very generous and gave me a mutated version of the cold he had last week. My version not only included the headache, sore throat and trouble sleeping that Andrew had endured without complaint. I also got a nose that wouldn’t stop running and a hacking cough. We shouldn’t complain really as we haven’t had a full blow cold with ALL the bells and whistles on it for over two years. Unfortunately, it does mean that our trip to the “Village de Noël” has been postponed. I did promise you a Christmas video though. Here’s a selection of the Christmas “lovelies” that are currently available at our local supermarket. If we do get to the market between Christmas and New Year I’ll add the video later.]
A social Christmas
We normally hide ourselves away at Christmas: this year we’ve invited some friends over for a meal on Christmas Eve. Andrew and I are busy looking at our cookery books to plan our meal. As there is such a strong emphasis on fish and shellfish in France this looks as if it will be a St Jacques and langoustine starter with salmon for the main course. Whilst watching Masterchef this year we’ve learnt how to make a Beurre Blanc sauce so will probably be testing out our new skill
Finally, we are completely clearing the desk in the office tomorrow evening. This will give us room for a Christmas jigsaw puzzle. The theory being if the desk is covered with jigsaw pieces that can’t be moved, we can’t work over the Christmas holidays.
SAC and SIC have been binned this year as we find ways of making Christmas our own. I don’t think I can truthfully say that we are thriving this Christmas: however, with a full year of Canbacing ahead of us that is something to aim at for Christmas 2019!
I will be back on Thursday 27th December for my final blog of the year.
All that remains for me to say is ….
Happy Christmas. May you have the Christmas that you deserve. One that is trigger free and full of support from family and friends.
Be kind to yourself …
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, please let me know. I will keep your words private.
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