Emotional Resilience? Sounds interesting yet what is it? Could be helpful especially at Christmas when emotions can be stretched to their limit. So, what is emotional resilience, why is it needed during Christmas and what can we do to improve ours?
What is emotional resilience?
Life is one of the most stressful things that humans ever get to experience. There are times when Life is going well, we are happy and contented. At other times things can become a little more frantic and we are teetering between happy and not so happy. Then there are the times when the universe is conspiring against us and we feel like an over stretched elastic band ready to snap at the slightest little thing.
When times are good, we sail through the ups and downs of Life. The good and happy times help us through the tougher times. We’ve been “depositing” the resilience that we’ve not needed to rely on for rainy days in the future. When the bad times come, we dip into the reserves to help us cope.
However, there are some lucky people who seem to sail through Life easily no matter what the universe throws at them. It doesn’t matter how much c*** they are going through they remain balanced and calm. They have inner reserves that will help them weather the storm, no matter how long it lasts.
What’s the secret?
Building emotional resilience.
It’s all about finding ways to DEAL with your emotions during times of immense stress rather than being OVERWHELMED by them.
Why is more needed at Christmas?
I don’t need to tell you that Christmas can be a very stressful time of year. The stress that can be associated with the choosing, buying, wrapping and sending of presents. Then there’s the cards, food, decorations, and a million other demands on your thoughts, time and bank balance. Add more socialising, an increase in alcohol consumptions and the fact that Christmas is very child-centric it is little wonder that many people in the Canbace/CNBC/infertility communities look forward to Christmas with a deepening sense of dread.
What can we do about this?
This answer is simple and yet also very difficult. We can improve our emotional resilience. Here are seven ideas to get you started.
Emotional Resilience Booster #1
Acknowledge how you feel. In order to deal with difficult situations and emotions you need to acknowledge that they exist. This can be difficult if you have been feeling so overwhelmed by your situation that you are in denial that anything is wrong. The first step is to acknowledge how you feel. Then you need to give yourself permission to feel that way. Finally, you must give yourself permission to make changes. Give yourself permission that you can feel happy again.
Whilst you are going through this process don’t let other people bully you into pretending that you are happier than you really are. Obviously, you don’t want to dampen everyone else’s spirits over Christmas. There is no point in adding guilt that you’ve ruined it for everyone else to the plethora of emotions you are already experiencing. However, having a false smile glued to your face 15hrs a day for four weeks is a huge strain when you are screaming on the inside.
One way of finding the right balance is to plan some “time out” each day when you can sit quietly and process your thoughts and emotions. That way you are acknowledging your feelings and recharging your batteries. Your mood will lift which means you are able to cope with the next few hours. The smile and laughter won’t be false. Plan a few “time outs” on days when you think you will be the most stressful.
Emotional Resilience Booster #2
Understand how much control you have in your life. A major cause of stress and depression is that feeling that you have little or no control over anything in your life. Nothing you do seems to make any difference. No one listens to you needs. You feel voiceless and worthless. There is nothing you can do to stop it. You are in free-fall. Yet there are some things that you can control. If you don’t want to go to a Christmas party, you don’t have to. You are allowed to put your health and well-being above that of other people. This is not being selfish it is self-preservation.
The more control you feel you have the less stressed you will feel. In a difficult situation look for opportunities to:
- Avoid people or situations that stress you
- Make changes to a situation to make it more acceptable to you
- Change your response to a situation by looking at the “bigger picture” or being flexible in your opinion
- Don’t attempt to control things that REALLY are outside your control. Find ways to accept these situations and focus on things that you can change.
Emotional Resilience Booster #3
Be optimistic. If you have a tendency to be negative look at ways of developing a more positive mindset. You are not aiming for being 100% positive 100% of the time. Little changes in your mindset can have a huge impact. When most people think about the changes that they want to see in their lives they focus on what they DON’T want. This energises the negativity in our lives and it can become a downward spiral. Instead focus on what you DO want, This lifts the spirits and can keep you motivated especially when life gets tough.
Be careful not to become too optimistic that you start to verge on being unrealistic. Christmas doesn’t have to be PERFECT to be happy. In fact, the more energy you put into making Christmas perfect the more stressed you will become. Not only will the increase in stress have a detrimental effect on your health and well-being it will also reduce the pleasure you get from the parts of Christmas that have gone smoothly. Aim for a balance between optimising and realism.
Emotional Resilience Booster #4
Develop strong social networks. Humans are amazing “creatures”. We are all different. Not only do we look different we want and enjoy different things. Most of us love variety in our lives. Variety in our food, variety in our friends and variety in our social stimulation. This all means that you won’t find EVERYTHING that you want or need in terms of friendship and support in one place.
Seek out support and friendship from within the Canbace/CNBC/infertility communities for that aspect of your life. However, it’s important to remember that your situation does not define you. You are more than one element of your life. Nurture friendships outside the Canbace/CNBC/infertility communities in order to nurture all aspects of your life.
Emotional Resilience Booster #5
I am a great believer in the benefits of laughter. It helps to relieve stress, improves blood flow, burns calories and helps alleviate pain. Laughter also helps improve your connection with other people and can reduce tension in a difficult situation. However, I don’t want to repeat information that I have written previously. So, you can read my blog about “Existence being easier if you let the laughter back in” here. My blog about “The healing power of laughter” is here.
Emotional Resilience Booster #6
Develop a healthy lifestyle. Eating healthily and getting enough sleep are both vital to our general sense of well-being. Exercise releases hormones into your blood. These can help to reduce blood pressure and stress. It also hard wires the knowledge that you are looking after yourself into your mind. It’s an ever-increasing spiral. The more you look after yourself the greater priority you mind places on the importance of looking after yourself. When thinking about exercise don’t only focus on physical exercise.
Your mind needs to be exercised as well as you body. Consider taking an evening course or signing up for some on-line training. Alternatively find a television quiz show that stretches you mind and improves your general knowledge. There are loads to choose from so there is bound to be something that appeals. It doesn’t have to be Mastermind or University Challenge. One of our favourites at the moment is “House of Games” aired on the BBC. If quiz shows aren’t “your thing” then consider learning a new language or doing the crossword.
Emotional Resilience Booster #7
Take some “time out”. If you are struggling with too many people and too many demands on your attention, then call “time out”. Distance your self from people so that you can give your overstretched emotions a chance to recover. If you have people staying with you at Christmas, consider setting some “guidelines” right from the start. Explain that you are going to have a soak in the bath or a siesta every day to recharge your batteries. If you have a dog, then make their daily walk your time rather than a group activity.
Andrew and I have a saying “Our House Our Rules”. Whilst we want our guests to enjoy themselves, they need to respect what we need too. For us that means taking some “time out” that is for us as individuals or us as a couple. If it really isn’t possible to actually remove yourself for a while taking three to five slow, deep breaths when you really focus on the inhale and exhale can give your mind a few moments of stillness that can make all the difference.
There are some more ideas about how to build emotional resilience here.
Next steps
This has only touched the surface of the fascinating subject of emotional resilience. Being realistic there may not be much you can do to dramatically improve your emotional resilience in the next two weeks. However, looking on the optimistic bright side, it’s 54 weeks until Christmas 2019. Now that you know a little more about emotional resilience why not make it a goal for next year to explore the subject more and introduce emotional resilience building strategies into your life. That way you’ll be well prepared to thrive not only at Christmas, for the rest of the year too.
Be kind to yourself …
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about so if you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know and I will keep your words private.
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