I love the fact that every year in World Childless Week one day is dedicated to the fact that “We Are Worthy”. Although I suppose I am rather biased having hosted the week- long “We Are Worthy” on-line summit back in April 2018. So, it is a subject close to my heart.
Why?
Well because I had a low sense of self-worth about my writing for many years. In fact, I was so plagued by that Inner Demon I knew exactly what it looked like and sounded like.
Step 1 – Pulling up your big pants
Eventually there will come a time when you KNOW that you have to destroy the power this critic has over you. Unfortunately, you’ve probably been listening to your inner demon for years. The constant barrages of “you’re not good enough”, “you’ll never succeed” and “you’re not worthy of love” builds into a wall of self-criticism that is hard to break down. Let’s face it, any Inner Demon worth its weight in salt, will tell you “you’ll never get rid of me because you haven’t got the guts!”
Time to pull up your “big girl’s pants”.
Being a world often divided by a common language I would explain for my non UK-ENGLISH readers that “pants” in this instant aren’t things you wear on the outside. We’re talking about KNICKERS here. The bigger the better. Imagine Bridget Jones’ knickers that so fascinate Daniel Cleaver.
Once safely shielded by our protective, if imagined, armour we need to follow our plan of attack.
Step 2 – Resize your Inner Demon
Your Inner Demon has had such a huge impact of your life over the years you probably have a very distorted view on how big it actually is. I realised this when talking to a group of school children about writing poetry. I mentioned I had a WritingDragon that used to tell me I was terrible at writing. Which led to the following conversation.
Child: Mrs Fletcher, how big is your dragon?
Mrs Fletcher: That’s a very interesting question. Do you know I’ve never really thought of it before. Now it must be HUGE. About this big.
[At this point I stood up, raised my hand above my head and jumped as high as I could.]
Actually, it’s far, far, far bigger than that. It must be because it stopped me from writing for years and only something HUGE could have the power to do that.
And yet …
It must be tiny because this dragon lives in my mind. There’s so much else in there the dragon must be smaller than a flea that lives on a flea otherwise it wouldn’t fit.
Now which dragon will be easier to slay. The HUGE one or the one that is tiny?
Child: The tiny one. If it was that small you could just step on it.
My point is that when we have been controlled by something for so long, even if that is our own thoughts, we believe that it is ALL POWERFUL. To have that amount of control over us it must be HUGE and yet, it lives in our mind, so must be tiny.
Step 3 – Check your Inner Demon’s credentials
We often enable our Inner Demon by giving it qualifications and respecting its opinion when there is no evidence that we should. This is human nature. It is far easier to accept criticism than praise. We accept criticism at face value and rarely question its validity. Yet we question praise. Luckily, I have a simple solution to that trait of human nature that I share in Step 7.
Getting back to the qualifications of our Inner Demon. We need to question them. The next time your Inner Demon whispers in your ear demand to know why it has the right to say such things. Ask for evidence that supports the negative comments.
Now this can be a hard step to follow particularly if your Inner Demon has taken on the persona of someone that you love and respect. Standing up to my WritingDragon which looked and sounded like my father needed Dutch Courage as well as a pair of big knickers. However, it needed to be done if I was going to knock the stuffing out of the demon.
Step 4 – Know your enemy
One of the ways of cutting your Inner Demon down to a more manageable, squashable, size is to work out where it gets its fixes. Is there a theme to the Inner Demon’s attacks?
Mine was about spelling.
Occasionally it would throw in some other critical comments about my weight, my hair, my lack of degree. Yet I was able to shrug these off. They didn’t bother me as much as when it used to point out a spelling mistake.
I would take those to heart. They were proof that I would never make it as a writer. My WritingDragon had won. There was more evidence that I was C***
Defeat.
Rejection.
Fear.
A smorgasbord of negative emotions that Inner Demons thrive on.
Being aware of the buttons that your Inner Demon loves to push helps with the next step.
Step 5 – Replace over critical thoughts
Your Inner Demon gains strength when you respond badly to its nasty little comments. It wants you to get upset. Your negative feelings are its rewards for being nasty, judgemental and rude.
Take the wind out of its sails by refusing to play any more.
The next time it whispers poison in your ear respond with:
- Is this thought helpful?
- What more positive thoughts could I have?
- How would I feel if I chose those more positive thoughts?
This is the step that really benefits from the elastic band that I mention later. We sometimes need more than the thought, and our reaction to that thought, for us to actually register the thought. Otherwise we may not realise it has happened. We need to externalise the internal process of thinking. Snapping the band helps us to do this. When we’re aware in our conscious mind that the Inner Demon is up to its old tricks, we can change our responses into something more positive.
Awareness is the key.
Step 6 – Push back
Your Inner Demon has been walking all over you for long enough. It’s time to say, “bugger off”.
If you can link your way of pushing back with what you learned about the Inner Demon’s power source so much the better. It turns a slight push into a whopping great strike with a building-site wrecking ball. One carefully aimed hit and …
Your Inner Demon could be gone for ever. This is what happened to me when I decided to push back.
My killer put down line?
“That’s why they invented proof-readers!”
Simple as that.
I can’t spell.
Other people can.
Play to people’s strengths.
I write.
Someone else proofreads.
Simples!
Step 7 – Seek praise from respected sources
I love this step: however, I appreciate that it can take a huge amount of courage to take it. This is because it involves reaching out to other people and asking them for help. Our sense of self-worth can be greatly improved if we are able to accept praise when we receive it.
Unfortunately, human beings seem to be programmed to accept criticism at face value and reject praise. We wonder why the other person is being so kind to us. “They must want something in return” or “They must have an ulterior motive” is a frequent response to praise.
Evidence-based Praise is much easier to talk about than write about. Besides, this blog is getting very long. So, I’ve recorded a video.
Whilst Evidence-based Praise is very easy to explain I know that it can be easier to share a link to a video. The above video was specifically recorded not mentioning anything about Canbace or being childless-not-by-choice. I have also uploaded the video to my personal YouTube channel, which also doesn’t mention anything about childlessness etc. This means you can share the YouTube link below safe in the knowledge that it isn’t sharing information about your situation that you are not happy about sharing.
youtu.be/j3MXPgUP2zo
Finally, you need to practice. When we learn about a new approach or technique we can jump in full of enthusiasm. We ride the crest of the wave of success for a few weeks and then start to slip. The more we slip the fewer benefits we feel. Which then becomes a downward spiral. The fewer benefits we experience the further we slip. Unfortunately, it takes time to hardwire a new way of thinking or unlearn habits of a lifetime. It doesn’t happen overnight.
Your Inner Demon has been riding roughshod over your sense of self-worth for years. It is going to take time to unpick the mess that created.
The challenge is that we don’t always notice that we are slipping back into former habits. It is especially difficult to notice when those habits are ones of thought rather than action. Adding an action to our thoughts can help.
Wear an elastic band
That’s right the humble elastic band has become a vital prop in your journey towards increased self-worth.
Make sure you always wear the elastic band on your wrist. It doesn’t matter whether you have if on your left or right wrist. Whichever feels most comfortable for you. Do make sure that its big enough though. We don’t want to stop the blood flow to your hand!
Then you need to “snap” the band whenever you notice certain behaviours which I will explain in a moment.
You don’t want to “snap” the band too hard. We’re talking about giving yourself a gentle reminder that will help you gain awareness of your Inner Demon’s activities. This is NOT a punishment. It is a gentle nudge saying, “ahem your Inner Demon is at work”.
Before you start it is also a good idea to come up with a “put down” comment. So, in addition to snapping the band you might say “I not listening to you” or “If you can’t think of anything nice to say don’t say anything”. You might also use humour or playfulness in your “put down” such as “Hello silly critter, what’s rattled your cage?” Choose something that feels right for you.
Give the band a “snap” whenever:
- You notice your Inner Demon being critical or judgemental
- Your Inner Demon is making up stories about you
- You have a negative thought about yourself
- Your Inner Demon is being judgemental or critical of other people
Each time you notice your Inner Demon behaving badly “snap” the band and deliver your “put down”. If you’re alone, you can say this out loud if you want to, otherwise you may want to think the words.
Then ask yourself “Do I want to feel good or bad today?”
You have the power to defeat your Inner Demon.
As mentioned above it takes time to unlearn bad habits and replace them with good ones. So, you might be wondering if an elastic band is going to be a permanent feature of your wardrobe from now on. The good news is that you will get to the stage of not needing to wear it. However, be prepared to use the band for a couple of months. Eventually you will become so aware of the Inner Demon playing up, and so expert at knowing how to deal with it, you won’t need the band to help flag up indiscretions.
Considering all we have been through it is little wonder that our sense of self-worth can hit rock bottom at times. I hope the Seven Steps I have shared here will help you deal with Inner Demon so that you find “Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence” slightly easier.
Are you ready to CANBACE?
Have you got to the stage of wanting to change your story?
Are you are feeling anxious about taking those first steps?
Would you like a gentle introduction to ease you into the process?
If you answered “YES” to any of these questions, then please check out Sunday’s blog when I will be sharing details about a new way to start moving forward with CANBACE.
If anything I have written resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, simply include “NOT FOR PUBLICATION” in your comment and I will keep your words private.
In Canbace friendship
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