Today’s theme for World Childless Week is that fact that Men Matter Too. The CNBC communities seem to be predominantly the domain of women. There are not as many men within the support groups and even fewer who speak openly about their situation. Kudos to any males who are the exceptions to this trend.
One of the reasons for this is that men tend to grieve and handle emotions differently to women. This is what I would like to explore today.
Let’s deal with the obvious fact first.
I AM NOT A MAN.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I should also stress that I am a not a qualified grief counsellor or therapist.
So, all my observations are just that, observations.
Which leads me onto why I believe that I have insights to share about the way men grieve when I am not a man and I am not a counsellor.
Well here’s the thing. I’m married to a man who I have supported whilst he has grieved, both passively and proactively, for the death of his son, his second wife and our inability to have children.
Basically, I have a degree from the university of hard knocks in watching male grief from the side lines.
So, what is my first insight?
Men and women ARE different
Before we get down to the serious stuff, let’s get the laughter out of the way now. “Men ARE from Mars and Women are from Venus”.
We all know this to be true. The daily language barriers between us goddesses, and the aliens that we love, are testament to this fact. Yet there is more to the difference than simply language. If language was the crux of the challenges we’d all download the Venus/Mars Translation App and all would be right with the world.
What are these other differences?
Well the first thing is to remember that men tend to be thinkers and women tend to be feelers.
This “fact” has been reflected in the research done into the Male Grief Model and the Female Grief Model. However, they really aren’t as gender specific as some people first believed. Some women follow the Male Grief Model and vice versa. When Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka began to research this subject in more detail, they eventually changed the names of Male/Female Grief Model to “Intuitive Grief” and “Instrumental Grief” thus moving away from being too gender specific. The images below give a brief outline of these two different types of grief.
However, humans are complex beings and rarely fall completely into one or the other category. Whilst someone may predominantly favour one way of grieving, they also use elements of the other approach. This mixture is called “Blended Grief”.
Whilst I am very “Intuitive” in my need to explore and share my feelings other parts of my grieving has been quite “Instrumental”.
“I cannot fix my own situation: however, I can use my problem-solving skills to help other people.”
Let’s look a little more into the inward and outward expressions of grief, in particular the area surrounding guilt or blame.
When looking at their situation women often ask themselves “What did I do wrong?” while men consider “What else could I have done?”
A matter of focus
This inward-verses-outward way of processing grief can be explained as “Loss-oriented Grief and “Restoration-oriented Grief. These are part of the Dual Process Model of Coping developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut.
The following images illustrate some of the key focuses of Loss-oriented Grief and Restoration-oriented Grief. We’ll start of with looking at Loss-oriented Grief which focuses on ….
Loss-oriented Grief is experienced at an individual level …
and at a family or social level …
Then we have Restoration-oriented Grief which focuses on …
At an individual level this means …
Whilst, at the wider family/social level, it’s all about …
Yet humans are complex beings and we don’t live in a vacuum. Even while we are grieving, life gets in the way. Or whilst we are living, grief gets in the way. Again, rather than being an EITHER/OR situation, the Dual Process Model of Coping reflects that we don’t follow one method of grieving to the exclusion of others. People oscillate between Loss-oriented and Restoration-oriented Grief depending on where they are in their grieving process and what is happening in their wider family or social world.
I think it’s time for a few videos. It’s also time for my own lovely Martian to be involved too. After all today is about men, and I really should include one in this blog!
Here are some of Andrew’s thoughts about how to help a man who is grieving.
This is a step-by-step guide to a coaching exercise that helps people to gain understand about another person’s point of view.
This coaching exercise is all about working together as a couple when the going gets tough.
Our final offering is a short interview with Andrew where he shares his thoughts about using coaching and mindset exercises.
Whilst we are Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence we need to remember that we are ALL different. We have different stories and different needs. Simply because someone has a different story to us, and perhaps challenges our definition of what it is to be Childless-Not-By-Choice, doesn’t mean that we have the right to disenfranchise their grief.
Of course, Men Matter Too. We all matter.
Are you ready to CANBACE?
Have you got to the stage of wanting to change your story?
Are you are feeling anxious about taking those first steps?
Would you like a gentle introduction to ease you into the process?
If you answered “YES” to any of these questions, then please check out Sunday’s blog when I will be sharing details about a new way to start moving forward with CANBACE.
If anything I have written resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, simply include “NOT FOR PUBLICATION” in your comment and I will keep your words private.
In Canbace friendship
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