The emotional confusion we feel whilst navigating our grief can be overwhelming. We expect to feel empty, sad, hopeless and angry. Our situation is such that these emotions are only to be expected.
Yet what about the jealousy we feel when another of our friends announces a pregnancy?
Feeling jealous is confusing enough.
When you also add anger (why her not me) and shame (what sort of friend am I) into the mix the emotional confusion grows exponentially.
The emotional confusion grows when you recognise surges of jealous when you see a stranger’s pregnancy bump whilst waiting in the supermarket queue.
What sort of person am I that I feel jealous of a perfect stranger?
Gradually we realise that our grief is so deep that these feelings are also to be expected. We feel reassured that we are not monsters because other people in our tribe share their emotional confusion about these situations too.
There is safely, reassurance and healing knowing that we are not alone. Other people experience these unexpected rushes of emotion too. Knowing that normalises the situation and we take comfort from that.
As time passes, we get used to the roller coaster of negative emotions. We are no longer confused by them. The are accepted as an unwanted part of dealing with out grief. We get used to them and the predictably erratic nature of our emotions.
Then something happens
Our emotional confusion takes an about turn
The emotional confusion of AND
Amongst our sadness and hopeless normality, a positive emotions creeps in.
We fleetingly feel happy and hopeful. Happy in our own skin and hopefully for the future.
Our emotional confusion goes stratospheric.
Does this happiness mean that we are no longer grieving?
Is our hopefulness a sign that we didn’t want children, as much as we thought?
No. This change is an indication that healing is taking place. It is still “work in progress” yet is has started to build momentum.
“Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a “map” for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild your inner and outer world is a major project.” Anne Grant
The transition you are going through is the transition of “AND”.
You are waking up to the knowledge that you can feel sad AND happy at the same time.
Here’s a short video I’ve recorded about the emotional confusion that we feel as we move towards accepting the power of “AND”.
The negative roller coaster of emotions
I recorded a short audio for Sue Johnson (The Infertility Advocate) for her exhibit in last year’s ArtPrize in Grand Rapids, MI, USA. Part of her exhibit included messages from people around the world who were dealing with infertility. This is what I recorded for Sue. You can read about Sue’s experience at ArtPrize here.
My negative emotions list:
Almost by return Sue sent me a list of positive characteristics that she believes people dealing with infertility have to help them through.
While I am Creating A New, Beautiful And Couragous Existence listening to Sue’s voice is helping me to find the power of “AND”. I hope it will help you navigate your emotional confusion too.
Practice makes perfect
It’s all well and good writing about things in theory: however, we need to start applying what we learn. Today I would like you to think about a negative emotion that is particularly strong at the moment. After a period of time “sitting” with the emotion and acknowledging its existence start thinking about its positive opposite. There may be one obvious positive emotion or there may be a couple of ones that are not as obvious yet are related.
When you have identified a couple of relevant positive emotions think about times when these emotions have bubbled to the surface. Did you embrace them as a sign of healing, or did you suppress them because you feared what they implied? Make a note of these positive emotions and keep an eye out for their re-occurrence over the coming weeks. When they do reoccur acknowledge them and express gratitude at the healing they signify.
To help you keep track of all your work for the daily activities mentioned, we have created a Monthly Diary for you to record your progress. To download your copy of “My January Canbace Diary” please click here.
Be kind to yourself …
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, please let me know. I will keep your words private.
Leave a Reply