I had a wobble last week. Now I could look at this as a “Snake”. A triggering event that sent me spiralling downwards. Something that would make me question whether I was healing. Whether I really WAS Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence.
Would this wobble become a big issue?
Or could I take its gentler nature as an indication that I truly am healing? I am learning to navigate the “slings and arrows that my outrageous fortunate as given me?
I chose hope!
By sharing I hope that I give you hope too.
Wobbles don’t have to be a disaster. If we never expose ourselves to potential triggers how will we ever know if we are making progress or not.
What was my wobble about?
I will share more in the video below: however, I wanted to give you the “headlines” here. What I talk about in my video may be triggering for you.
So, if you are feeling vulnerable at the moment, please watch only if you feel up to it.
One my friends from within the CNBC community gave birth on Monday 7th January. Initially I was absolutely fine about this, and very happy for her. She and her husband have gone through so much to have their miracle baby.
Then I saw a tweet that was beautiful AND slightly triggering.
As I wrote above, please only watch the video if you feel strong enough. I do have some tears.
A wobble of hope
It may seem strange that this wobble gives me hope when I have been crying.
However, it does.
Gone is the gut-wrenching tears of despair that I have felt in the past.
They have finally been replaced with the gentle grieving tears of regret.
Which is a huge step forward.
A wobble of perfect timing
Can there be a perfect time for a wobble? Well I think there can.
You see I read that tweet after I had just been looking at something that I wrote a couple of years go. It’s one of the chapters in a book that I am writing. This chapter was about pregnancy announcements. It takes the form of a letter written to a “soon to be pregnant” friend. Towards the end of the letter I share how I might feel at the birth of the baby.
“Part of the healing process is sharing with other people who care.”
Jerry Cantrell
So, in that spirit, here’s an extract
How I will react when your baby is born?
Now this is the big question. You are going to be exhausted yet you’re going to be on cloud 9. You’ll want all your loved ones around you and expect them to join you on that cloud. However, I expect that somewhere in the back of your mind there will be the added concern of “how will I react?” Well, the truth is I don’t really know. There will be times when I’m able to put aside my own feelings and join you on your cloud. At other times it will be harder. I might be in pain or I may have received bad news regarding my infertility. It might simply be that there’s an “R” in the month. Yes, the shades of infertility can be as random as that.
If the time of the birth has caught me at a bad moment the only thing you can do is wait. I know this puts the burden back on you again, which is totally unfair; however, please remember your understandable happiness will be rubbing salt into my already raw wounds. Give me time, and perhaps a little space, and I will come around. I will be happy for you because I am not bitter and twisted, despite all the devastation infertility has caused. I will eventually hold your baby although it might only be for a moment or two to begin with. In the meantime, again respectfully, I ask you to accept my reaction and remember that dealing with infertility doesn’t go away. It is something that haunts me all the time. So please give me the time I need to adjust to the arrival of your new baby.
Reflection
It was interesting to read something from two years ago and compare them with how I feel now.
Since I wrote that I have dealt with my first “I’m going to be a grannie” announcement. I’ve met the little girl and played with her. I won’t deny it, it was hard. Especially when I saw how happy my friend was that she was a grannie.
The pain of that was far greater than the pain experienced during this wobble.
Which again gives me hope.
As the pain of pregnancy announcements has subsided, they have been replaced by “I’m never going to be a grannie” grief.
It is a grief that is still quite raw at the moment. In fact, I can feel tears welling up as I type.
So why does this give me hope?
Well I know that I weathered the storm of pregnancy announcements. So, I KNOW that I will weather this one too. I am also far more prepared and equipped to deal with my loss of grannie-hood.
You can read updates about the book and the whole “Letter to my soon-to-be-pregnant friend” here.
Practice makes perfect
It’s all well and good writing about things in theory: however, we need to start applying what we learn. Today I would like you to think about recent wobbles that you have experienced. Have there been any that didn’t hit you quite as hard as similar ones have in the past? Take hope and encouragement from these small signs of healing.
To help you keep track of all your work for the daily activities mentioned, we have created a Monthly Diary for you to record your progress. To download your copy of “My January Canbace Diary” please click here.
Be kind to yourself …
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, please let me know. I will keep your words private.
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